vampira

okay

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 23:53:01 GMT

my life is so simple its unbelievable. my cell phone goes off approximately every 10 minutes with out fail. you must think "oh, you must be popular" no no my friends my "popularity" has nothing to do with a cell phone. people just have a desperate need to talk to me about one of two things: what disease they could possibly have or what so and so did to so and so .....now I admit I love gossip but people for shit sake if I want to have sex for an hour I don't really want to be interrupted because you think your kidney just ate your liver....I'm gonna tell you to stick your head up your ass and check. don't get me wrong I'm not gonna answer the phone in the middle of sex but it might start to worry me if you call me 6 times with in the hour.

its been such a long time since I wrote anything with emotion or intellectual power. I honestly don't think I have any left. what little of my brain is left makes me think "g-d your stupid now" I'm quite sure its dissolving like mash potatoes left in the sink...... and I could use correct grammar here and speak of politics and the woes of education abroad and the tragedy's across seas in distant lands but I don't care anymore .....my friend once told me she wished she had passion like mine and I didn't know what she meant.. "doesn't everyone have a passion"........yeah sure but if it goes on a sabbatical what left? it use to drive me to paint and write and create and crave knowledge and now "I just don't feel like it" school education art whatever :? James and I speak about how our philosophies differ in the words of robin williams I'm french tragedy "its so like life" shit happens no way to avoid it it happens it sucks it is ever flowing and I think my problem comes from the fact that I can't see the end of it anymore im sure that what ya'll are thinking of this entry .....oh well............stupid cycles of life

meanwhile...

Sat, 22 Mar 2003 01:41:27 GMT

so I got a job, thank you Michael's' arts and crafts...specifically the one in dunwoody for never noticing how far back you were inventory...its kind high tech now ...no extra discounts....25% employ discount and a paycheck next week some time. worked 10-4 today and tomorrow and I'm trying to get on the schedule for Sunday need money bad...

James is a sweetie. I go though trends of loving him not liking him anger disgust and thinking about our future. I don't want to marry the kid though...am I loosing opportunity to find the one I am though... am I wasting our time?

I hate war . its the most ridiculous act on earth the least noble the least honorable and something that is always regretted and questioned in later years. I suppose though wwII was well worth it though I could be bias.

I'm tiered , I got school work , I got work, and I got alcohol....who will win?

the bottle always wins

yeah

Sat, 15 Mar 2003 04:04:02 GMT

I do suck ... I have a little hole that I climb into and become lazy disconnected self centered and depressed and tiered ....a place that I just want to sleep away myself and all the things I hate about me and all the things I hate about the world . its the place I go when people start to talk to me and I have no advice I have no compassion or too much and feel so useless because I have nothing to offer them ... I want to be a martyr. I want to work and give my money to those I love and live in a cardboard box down an alley that only the rats would dare go. then at least I could say I did some good for someone other than my own grotesque self. I've tried to teach my self humility and I became arrogant and I tried to teach myself art and found I had none because I have no soul. I have nothing to offer anyone not even myself and it makes me sick. so now I have chosen my path I will go to school I will work myself until I die and feed my friends give them joy un-leech myself from my mother forgive my father and help my brother live a life that he wants whatever that may be. I need to put myself there in that state of mind so I can be something perhaps I'll never truly become the martyr I wish but at least maybe someone might find themselves just a little happier because of me and not weighed down.

I just want to cry and for things to be wonderful because of my tears
I want to tear out my heart my lungs and offer them up to the deities and make things beautiful but all I do is waste time air and money for my personal gain.... fuck me forget me never dare to love me you'll end up loving an empty corpse who will suck the life out of you and bring you down in to her pit where she'll make you think your happy your in love your having fun ...its fake false and soulless take my word and run away I'll only break you and hurt you and burden you and then blame your misery on something other than myself all those who love me if its true just run....

actually just ignore me because I suck....I can't help myself...I'm a mental quadriplegic and I'll only waste your good intentions and your compassion
just use me
I need to be used
but if you could just wait until I have a job....

hmm

Sun, 16 Feb 2003 03:14:47 GMT

just read my sisters journal just a few ....enough to know she thinks I love her cause I feel bad.....I could have read it wrong I'm hoping I did....if I felt bad I wouldn't put up with it I wouldn't dare feel love for something I have to pity...love is reserved for those who can take it those who can live with or without it not those who need it to feel better...love in my world can be said with out meaning behind it but when truly meant should be told so and comes from a place where nothing is given to charity

yay

Sun, 16 Feb 2003 02:44:44 GMT

so I've had no computer for such a long time
it hurt. bad
but I have a boyfriend dare I say that I love.... indeed
I love James...but not in love with him and its strange
someone remind me to pick him up at two am....
my sister was here briefly....and as I sat between her and James I felt so luck to have them both. two people who I love more than anything care enough to see me and to sit by me.
speaking of James and valentines day ...the bastard bought me earrings yes earrings
with lapis stones in I think silver....neway matches a necklace I made my dad buy me and he gave them to me in a little blue box similar to the red one my sister gave me. some things like that and his name make me just .....contemplate continuously who this person is suppose to be. neway I've been trying to call me sis who is attached to someone... and needs to be weaned just long enough to talk to me on the phone......

Thu, 14 Nov 2002 07:13:05 GMT

lol
this is what I wish I could do now notice how long it took me to come up with this...
I want to march my little ass down there and bang on his door and tell him "your problem isn't that you feel guilty its that you have no guilt you have no shame, and that's your right. I just don't want you to think that I've been waiting for you I gave up on you a while ago. but before that I was willing to give you whatever you wanted guess you missed your chance to be a royal asshole better for me I guess have a good night sleep and I know you will cause you don't have a damned thing that troubles your mind at night."

he came a knocking

Thu, 14 Nov 2002 06:35:11 GMT

"I've been feeling guilty"
"bout what"
"why is that always the response"
"what do you want me to say? awww poor baby?"
"no not poor baby"
"then what"
"just that's cool"
"okay that's cool"
"yeah so I won't be kissing you or molesting you anytime soon"
"okay that's cool"
I walk away with out looking back
I wish I could have said something better like "its been two weeks so I forgot about it"
I dunno I think a that's cool is pretty cold....I hope it was cold enough to hurt a lil....actually I hope it hurt a lot...not that I wish bad things but he hurt me no he insulted me so he can suck down whatever pain he originally wanted me to understand and he can wallow in it.
I guess I'll get some bad karma from that but why must I be the only one wanting with no satisfaction? I hope he realizes what he lost

PS

Thu, 14 Nov 2002 04:13:40 GMT

where the hell are my staples...Tammy is here..but wheres rainie wheres big red they know I'm suppose to just say no and they would tell me something....I want to go back down and smoke ...maybe I should just wait ...I'm okay at that this is a true test of my patients

59

Thu, 14 Nov 2002 04:11:22 GMT

I love the cold Phil is sitting down stairs... I want to go to him ... could it be that he just didn't know I knocked on his door three separate occasions and feels rejected by me or am I just wanting him so bad that I'm getting confused...the two weeks will be up in approximately one hour and I'm not any better...saw James its good things are normal friendly normal which is good cause I didn't like him like that. I think I'm gonna go out and smoke again just to see Phil but he knows I'm here he should come and knock on my door.......basturd

60 and raining

Wed, 13 Nov 2002 09:26:55 GMT

is it wrong to curse Venus and still want love? does she laugh at my hypocrisy? I would if I were her, but if I were her I'd have no problem other then my own self loathing. I would hate myself if I were her for what she does. for the evil little glimmers that people get that are filled with the if only and the what ifs. If you are one such unfortunate soul can contentment ever be found or is there some idea of this is what I settle for.....can you tell its cold again?

I'm mentally fucked thank you Phil for enlightening me to my desperation and how precarious my "stable" and "comfortable with myself" stage was. all you had to do to send me in to insanity was to knock on my door you fucking bastard::breathes::
I'm rambling because I want to...because I'm a lunny cause I want some action . I believe Sharon stone said it best in rocky horror ... I've tasted blood and I want more...tttttouch me I wanna feel dirty.....
riiiiiiight ari is a weirdo lets all back away real slow and hope she doesn't notice....
ah but what you will notice is ari has made her little dirty post open to her friends and since she has two both get to be disgusted with her :) yeah I think I'm working on insomnia again. and ooo heres something that's funny other than my streaming consciousness rambling...
so I tell "glenna" a bunch of stuff only for it to be Chelsea who replies "I thought you knew" I would post it but damned if I didn't shut the window.
why do hot guys not like me .. am I sexually revolting?
seriously mike nichol who wasn't great rejected me once my shirt came off
now Phil rejects me once I let him dry hump me
whats the problem
I SHAVE!
I"M CLEAN!
and I was seriously gonna give that bastard WHATEVER he wanted ...guess he lost his chance now. I half wish he would knock on my door so I could either get into a bed with him or reject him I know which I should do but that's not what I want to do. and I know this wasn't a relationship but how come I can be his booty call but he can't be mine. I thought it worked both ways. and to think I actually started to think I had gone outta my league but I know he ain't that great he just prays on people with self confidence problems. BASTARD BASTURD go fuck your self..
oh this is funny too
so Phil drove me mad as we can see so I started smoking and wandering the halls to all hours of the night...met a girl who wandered the halls all night too..her name is Julie never really wanted to talk about why but when would criss cross each other...neway so I'm out hanging with Greg (nice guy I want) and I slip and spill phils name. we he explodes! half laughing half upset "why didn't you tell me it was Phil the Ra..." he goes into a story of how he has a class with Elaine (it'll get good soon) the name rings a bell cause this is the one that broke phils heart that "still loves him" so he says how she was going to get a restraining order out on him and how shes up to two pack a day ...it gets better... and how Greg met Phil the night of homecoming masquerade ball (which I saw Phil come back from) and that their friend Julie was not happy about it cause they had gone out and he was being weird. sooooooo not that its a small world or anything but Greg suggest we post flyers for the Phil antonymous recovery group if for no other reason to see how many chicks that we know show up. funny ? not to you I know....
neway I have a class in 4 hours I guess I could take a nap
just realized James is coming over in 8 hours maybe I'll be sleeping....
night

time frame

Mon, 11 Nov 2002 06:41:02 GMT

you know theres that time frame in which a girl is just so happy to have someone shes so overwhelmed that she actually belives she likes this guy. well for me its usually two weeks ....met this guy Oct 30 two weeks arent up. but I know I like him not because I'm projecting Mr. perfect on to him but because I view him as nothing more htan a sexual object...why can't he want me the same way?

two

Thu, 07 Nov 2002 04:54:09 GMT

there are two thing I like to do when its cool ...on e is to go outside and freeze the se coned is to exploit my soul.....its 58 degrees tonight

soul purge

i deprive my heart
expand the mind
loose my soul
loose my soul
deprive a soul
send the mind into a wreathing black arrogance
insanity
full of stupidity
show no humility.
Fuck the heart
Black or beating!
Close my chakaras.
Close my eyes.
We covet what we see,
The heart grows fond
It’s a lie!
The depravity is truth:
Deprive thyself of organic orgasmic illumination
Strive for instant enlightenment
Instant gratification
Feel the cold
Fucking a !
Mental turmoil is hell
By definition.
When it all matters so much on the mind what is there to loose?
Loose it all, the mind will never hurt
Just real
Turn into sadness
Loose infatuation loose your mind deprive the soul
I am a shell, wielding lost powers and empty dreams
With out inspiration
Pretend its all determination
Fuck inspiration
Fuck motivation
Fuck it all
Achieve grace
Through:
Wilting beauty
Dying gentility
Through awkwardness
Achieve enlightenment
Through: degradation
Wilt die be deprived
Insult thyself
To humility
And
Know thyself through the floor
Never reach for a pedestal
Scourge your heart
Swallow the ash
Do not rise up as a phoenix
But transcend to hell
This is to know
this is to love
this is to live
this is to be without:
inspiration
passion
motivation
and determination
this is you hidden potential
your blind third
eye
sown closed
by your will
to just be.
And
Nothing will be your reward
Its outcome
Your only sense
To feel
Rip out the heart
It’s a useless organ
Fuck dilute the brain
Its well worth the mindless bliss
When you wait for life
You loose your soul
You’ll find your death staring at you
Eye to eye
Swallow its jagged edge
let it rip you up inside
don’t dare let it out
wear you scars as ornaments
curse the world
this life
this in- sanity
this is yours
your only truth
your missing life
missing the sharp and painful point
nothing is all there is
nothing is all I am
wielding useless powers to no end
spewing shit for others to eat as a delicacy
love it
and know the only love you will ever have
turn life
and turn it again
turn it until its riddled with sense
loose your self in its false claims
wand lost and know a life less fulfilled by more
cry and tear your face
know nothing
but feel we are nothing but blood and pain
this is all I have to say

so

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 13:48:08 GMT

so I'm obsessed with this freaking guy and I suck cause I'm obsessed...I really like him and I know exactly why- thank you glenna-
1 he's smart! this is a new one for me do think I ever really dated a smart guy before
2 he's a freaking adult!
4 hes way too good looking -freaking A- he swims almost every day, his arms got that sexy vein thing happening and he has the most awesome tattoo that just accents it.
5 shit did I say he looked good?
6 its the beginning of this relationship and no matter whats wrong with the mofo you always over look it..in the beginning
7 He gives me the kind of attention that I sparsely get that I haven't gotten for a very long time and he popped into my life to define the kind of relationship I appreciate. the casual play it cool type thing. I sleep next to him I can feel he's breathing and that's what I really like....not to mention when he crawls on top of me to make out...that ain t bad either.
I've been up since 7:00 and I really just want to wake his ass up to crawl into bed...but I ain't cause I got class...that and I always half way fear that someone will be in his room with him. maybe that's what I should ex[ect that way theirs no surprise and no real damage....

oh my goodness

Thu, 31 Oct 2002 13:43:40 GMT

apparently I am what he wants .... um yeah baby
that was nice
no details just now
but what I will say is Bruce Campbell mojo gets people some action
and oh its really really really really nice to wake up in someones arms

and

Thu, 31 Oct 2002 09:08:42 GMT

the icing on the cake is its to late to call my sister and she aint online

wow

Thu, 31 Oct 2002 09:08:02 GMT

tonight was my night. Bruce Campbell signs my boobs and the first floor RA hits on me.

I was gonna start tonights entry by asking if you thought god reveals people to you for a purpose. this asymmetry I've thought it twice. once when I met a bum. he wasn't older than me but he had dropped out of school his first year because he "partied too much"
he became a bum a beach bunny when he could and he lived sometimes in an apt and sometimes in his van. he had recently gotten out of jail where he found god again. I thought it was so funny I thought god has shown me him to show me my opposite. but now it was god telling me that could have been my path . had I fulfilled my dream I would now be having legal problems and only wishing I could be back in college. tonight I meet gods second message the very attractive Ra sat in my room and told me he was attracted to me. its been so long I didn't know what to do. on top of that he was drunk. what do I do. so listened to him and his problems and I scared him off by telling him my age and sexual preference (which is none). but he said something which made me want to reach out. he said he just wants someone to under stand his pain. I thought I could . but he also said he was looking for commitment he had bee on the path of wife and kids since he was six. that made me think of rainie. and maybe Rainie is the right choice. she can be kind shes looking for husband and marriage shes 20 hes 20 . I hugged him a lot I can smell him on my arms and in my clothes and at first I wasn't going to bathe because Bruce Campbell signed my boobs now I don't want to bath because I can smell the first really sweet attractive guy still on me. its a shame I'm going to have to give him away to Rainie. I just need a plan how to do it. because he is my Ra I can't tell people about this ... though I sorta already did a lil they swore not to tell.

I dunno
I hope no bad comes
I hope I can help him.
I wish he was for me.
I'm so lonely
it hurts when I reach deep down.
I haven't painted in moths
I haven't progressed
I'm afraid to cause I hurt
I wish he was for me.
I hate to give him away.
but he needs someone and something else
but he needs someone and something else
but he needs someone and something else
but he needs someone and something else
but he needs someone and something else
but he needs someone and something else
but he needs someone and something else

Fri, 25 Oct 2002 05:14:42 GMT

I wanna be a rock star I wanna learn bass guitar I need a bass if anyone is selling or knows good stuff I wanna know

time

Fri, 25 Oct 2002 01:17:34 GMT

ever run out of time even though its standing still? sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something but why not enjoy the wait? so I do nothing and then I get so use to doing nothing it kills me. I'm out of inspiration I have no determination and no car. I feel so detached I wish I were more like my sister, shes always doing something always in the transition stages of change. I wish I could give her my good karma from doing nothing but I suppose some bitter ends is what you get for living. my entire life is based on school what am I going to do when school ends?

i dunno

Sun, 29 Sep 2002 00:37:47 GMT

i seriously don't know whats wrong with me. Maybe its pms but i feel lost, i feel dirty( not in that good way either) just lost.

i can't not feel this way. i started smoking again. i need a friend one of those friends that don't look at you weird when you give em an extra long hug. someone who's been down and understands how far it can go. this sunshine is killing me. i need some moon light and hurricane rain. some dyed black hair, tattoos. and piercing, you get what i mean?

or maybe all i need is a good quick kick to the head and someone something to remind me this is life and i better damn well make the most of it.

freaking monkey poop

Tue, 24 Sep 2002 01:01:18 GMT

freaking transmission busted again lost my credit card piece of freaking a all i need now is for my Min ivan to be towed and it'll be freaking great

car

Sat, 21 Sep 2002 20:19:46 GMT

cars are a wonderful thing. they get you where you need to go for the most part....unless you have the ever infamous piece of shizter car. and it just so happens that I have one. for those of you who think you have a piece of shizter car but need a check list to confirm your suspicions here we go:
you are missing a window
your transmission is shot but you still drive the car
you say a prayer when you get in that it'll start/you wont die/ you wont explode/ that smell doesn't have a subsequent creature.
you warn you passengers that they might get hepatitis from sitting in your car
your missing a seat/ a seat is broken
the brakes,the growling of the engine,squealing of the windshield wipers and that weird pinging make a really interesting techno song if you listen hard enough.
a radio/ ac/ and floor mats are more then a luxury they're a mythical dream
so in conclusion if you think you have a pos car then chances are you do, but even a pos car is a hot commodity in college

swimming in serotonin

Fri, 20 Sep 2002 05:15:44 GMT

serotonin is a chemical released in your brain that allows you to feel server calm or pleasure. its a most delightful chemical. it can be released during periods of "excitement" or from eating chocolate and yes the ever dubious dubie. this natural hormone makes your brain cells pretty much shut down :) in order for you to be serene. often my brain takes a a big jump in to the serotonin pool and forgets to come out. and like a physical body of water something predatory lurks in the deep darkness of this fun pool. its the ever popular stupid disease. now mind you stupidity is not really classified as an infection or disease but i believe it to be both! i know for a fact it is! you see i too once was smart but because of my art (the art of bs) my brain cells lay dormant in the serotonin pools and when i called upon them again to be smart the stupid virus had already devoured more that a critical amount. i don't do drugs, i am however a chocoholic. thats right i'm a chocoholic and the first step to recovery is admittance. which isn't really true cause you know an alcoholic or a chocoholic can admit this, then feel good about themselves and have a celebratory drink/candy bar. it doesn't work. my friend was a bonified biotch she said that since she admitted it, it mad her less of one. tell that to her poor boyfriend of 13 times (and yes she dumped him each time). the first step to recovery is getting freakin help. and so starts my adventure. no not for chocoholism, but for stupidity. so i find people who hold promise, a little light of intelligence and often i'm pleasantly surprised. as of late though stupidity has the upper hand an mimics the symptoms of gout but in the brain. it goes from one side of the brain to the other forming hazardous hardened crystals that even the most brilliant of philosophies would have a difficult time breaking though. so my internet friends my brain decays unable to fight the most hideous and hazardous diseases. I nameth thee stupidity. Who will help the carrier of the unknown new disease? who will help the mental leper? help me or help your self just don't let my decay go with out the proper over grandeur of being a martyr.